Salads that don’t contain lettuce

Posted On May 25, 2008

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There’s another Holy Trinity in regards to Lutherans. This involves salads, however none of these salads involve any sort of lettuce (or much nutritional value for that matter). The three salads in this trinity are macaroni, potato, and the holiest of them all……jello. These three salads are made in all sorts of variations and those who make them swear their specific recipe is THE way to make it. This is often because these recipes are passed down from generation to generation like an heirloom. It is not uncommon for a Lutheran woman to use a recipe card actually written by her grandmother to prepare the recipe. These salads are often served at church potlucks (a future post) and the potluck serves as a competition, based upon how much salad is left at the end of the meal. Nothing is more hurtful to a Lutheran than having only one serving taken out of a salad, most likely done by an obligated husband or child.

Remember, when tasting one of these Lutheran salads, it is important not to criticize the dish, as this would be like indirectly insulting someone’s grandmother. Make a compliment no matter what, as the Lutheran will see it as you honoring their ancestors. A simple “I really like how the dill perfectly complements the potatoes” will endear you to the Lutheran forever.

One warning though, be on the lookout for those impostor dishes that were purchased at a deli. Things to look out for: not enough mayonnaise (another future post), fruit spread out too evenly in the jello, potato skins scrubbed too properly, jello not properly coagulated, or the dish says “Reser’s” on the side. In the case of the latter, it is best to ask the Lutheran if something has been bothering him or her, as the person is too occupied to even make it look like his or her food is homemade.

Jello Salad

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Kohl’s

Posted On May 25, 2008

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Kohl’s has a lot going for it that makes it a darling of the Lutheran world, it’s

  • got a German name
  • based in Wisconsin
  • a purveyor of boring, modest, predictable clothing

These three things are all appealing to a Lutheran. The fact that it has a German name and is based in Wisconsin makes it like a FUBU for Lutherans. The Lutheran has a sense of familiarity going inside a store that most likely is run by people like them. A place like Macy’s just doesn’t cut it. It’s based in New York (too haute couture for most Lutherans) and the name Macy just is not common in the upper Midwest (unless William H. is filming another Fargo movie).

Lutherans are a generally reserved group, and their clothing reflects that. Visit a Lutheran church on Sunday. You don’t see big hats, flashy dresses, or well-tailored suits. Most of the women could pass as librarians and most of the men could pass as math teachers. The reason for this is because of Kohl’s. The place where a Lutheran can get a nice cardigan or a pair of Haggar slacks to look nice, yet modest come Sunday. For a Lutheran, why have Calvin Klein when you can have Croft and Barrow?