Coffee

Posted On June 6, 2008

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Five out of the six top per capita coffee consuming countries are the Scandinavian countries. Germany also comes in at number ten. How can this phenomenon be explained? First off, coffee originated in Ethiopia, was popularized in the Middle East, and is now largely grown in Latin America. Further, there’s Turkish Coffee, Irish Coffee, Mexican Coffee…….but who has heard of Danish Coffee?

I wish I could get coffee consumption by state, but I was unable to find that information. However, Seattle, which is known for its love of coffee, does have a sizable population of German and Norwegian ancestry and the town of Stanton, IA painted their water tower to look like a Swedish coffee pot.

There are two theories I have as to why Lutherans love coffee so much. First, they generally live in two places: very cold countries and very cold states. It could simply be a matter of warming yourself up, but tea isn’t popular among Lutherans. If a Lutheran is drinking tea, assume the person is sick. So while hot beverages are a must in cold climates, why is coffee the hot beverage of choice? That brings us to the second theory. It’s because Lutherans on average are dull. Go to a Lutheran church service. Services are methodical and change little every week. There’s always a couple songs which are always hard to sing since they were translated from the original German. A few readings of Bible verses which are never read with any inflection. The main part of the service is the sermon. These are always boring. Again, there’s never any inflection. In fact, Lutheran ministers are excommunicated if they apply any emotion into to sermon. Compounding the problem, brevity is a trait not done by Lutheran ministers.

This is why Lutherans not only love, but need coffee. They’re constantly falling asleep!!! After any church service, even if it’s 100 degrees outside, the parishioners will rush to the coffee table. Any church function will end with coffee simply because all church functions are boring. Coffee is there to waken up everyone and get them talking to each other. In fact, the church service is simply a formality done before the sacred ceremony of the administering of the coffee.

When going out somewhere with a Lutheran, it’s best to suggest getting coffee somewhere. The Lutheran’s face will light up and they will talk about how they need a coffee fix. It’s also best for your sake, as you would be stuck socializing with someone too boring and tired to form complete sentences.

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Hygiene

The post of hygiene applies entirely to the observance of communion. Contrary to its name, communion isn’t very communal at all. Perhaps due to the nature of individualism more prevalent in Protestantism over Catholicism, Lutheran communion is slightly different than the one given in the Catholic church.

The Catholic WayThe Protestant Way

The Catholic Way vs. The Lutheran Way

While the Catholics administer communion wine in a communal goblet/chalice/pimp cup that is sanitized for your protection with a simple wipe of a cloth between drinkers, the Lutherans give everyone wine in a plastic mini-shot glass, just like how Jesus did it himself. This way, no germs are spread and the church garbage can is full of plastic slathered in the blood of Jesus Christ. Luckily, unlike the Catholics, Lutherans don’t believe in transubstantiation, feeling that communion is done for the sake of commemoration.

I’d really like to see a study conducted to see who is more likely to be sick on Monday, Catholics or Lutherans. Also, if a Lutheran attends a Catholic service ( because they’re likely visiting their part-Irish cousins) and they say they won’t participate in the communion because they feel like they’re intruding, it’s only because they’re afraid of getting someone else’s germs.

Also, what’s the deal with those little papery wafers?